Saturday, November 14, 2015

The Best Bad Reviews - The Time Traveler's Wife

Something I had been meaning to get around to doing, posting the genuinely awesome negative reviews for The Time Traveler's Wife, of which there are pee-lenty.

Polemic Pandemic - The Accidental Best Seller

So what happened with this book? How the hell did it become a best seller on both Amazon US and UK, and stay at number 1 in Sci-Fi Romance; Sci-Fi Time Travel, and number 8 in Sci-Fi for over 4 weeks? How the hell did it almost beat out George RR Martin? And how on earth did it manage to outsell such classic Sci-Fi Romance novels as "Probed: Sizzling Alien Tentacle Sex"

"I thought it was the other book."

Turns out, there is another book of the same title. Pretty popular actually, a best seller. And not in eBook format. So as irony would have it, my book became a best seller because it was confused for a best seller.

I actually caught some of the movie on Netflix. It was like a visual enema, so i get the genuine frustration. For this well, being offended only reminds ones how true their ideals actually are, in the same way tragedy brings out the goodness and giving nature of humanity (before they coil back to being pushy assholes), so too does offense awaken us to the believes and truths that we so often take for granted in our absent minded approach to living. So next time someone offends you, do the right thing - say thank you. Here they are, the best of the worst. The 1 star list.


sarah mc elligott rated it 1 of 5 stars
Really starting to be ashamed of my book choices like seriously 48% through and cannot go on because a man talking to his nipple does not appeal to me in the slightest

Catea Ivanov rated it 1 of 5 stars
Perhaps this book appeals to some people, but I couldn't go past 41%, I guess a whole chapter of dialog between the main character and his right nipple is not really for me.

*** side note, a philosophizing nipple makes a dramatic entrance somewhere around 40% through the book. This did not fare well with some readers.

Amazon US:

Bart Rubinon November 24, 2014 - 1 Star
Free and not worth the price. How does the author get away with ripping off the title of a best seller!

**** side note. I am thinking of naming my next novel "New York Times Best Seller"

1Hated it!
D. S.on December 19, 2014 - 1 Star
Wish I had read the other negative review first & saved myself a bit of time. What a crummy book. Hated it!

** side note. You, right now, might very well be watsing your time reading these reviews. I don't think this is a game changer.

Byfun gameon January 15, 2015 - 1 Star
Weird! Crazy. Difficult to follow. Strange. I was expecting to read about time travel....not talking nipples that get milked everyday.

Katieon February 26, 2015 - 1 Star 
When I got this book free I thought it would be some tragically romantic story that I would love. Instead, it was a terribly confusing story that was filthy. I REALLY wish there was a rating or something to give you a heads up that it's not for everyone.

*** side note. You are using it. It is awesome.

J. Odice "jodice"on February 11, 2015 - 1 Star
I only got this because I thought it was the book I had loved by A. Niffenegger. When I saw it was written by somebody else, I didn't bother.

*** side note. this red sofa is not blue. Bad sofa. Bad sofa.

Michelle Hiltonon February 24, 2015 - 1 Star
Not the correct TIme Traveler's Wife I was looking for. Did not read.

**** side. Seeing a pattern here


1.0 out of 5 stars Yuk!, 10 Mar. 2015
By Amanda Phillips
Started this book and it was so nasty, I deleted it straight away. Foul language and theme from the start. Should have been more careful before purchase!

** side note, the second page may or may not incite a detailed account of fellatio and anal sex with one or two or 90's televisions most beloved talkshow hosts. I swear it was all in the name of science, the fiction kind. It's philosophy, probably.

1.0 out of 5 stars Very disappointed. Can I get a refund, 15 Feb. 2015
By Richard Woodcock
Got fooled into buying this thinking it was the book of the film. Very disappointed. Can I get a refund?

** side note. Yes you can, and no doubt did. Amazon is the only book retailer that allows full refunds on all eBook purchases unquestioned within 7 days of purchase.

** side side note. Richard Woodcock. Three phallic symbols in one appellation. Must resist temptation to make penis joke. Must exercise restraint.

1.0 out of 5 stars Talking nipples, 24 Mar. 2015
By Kaluriel "Kaluriel" (UK)
Badly written, this is just a book with the same title as the film based on a book.

**** side note. You lost me

1.0 out of 5 stars One Star, 5 Jan. 2015
By Fliss Edwards (Birmingham)
Horrendous. Didn't get past first chapter. Doesn't really deserve one star!

**** side note. thank you, i think?

1.0 out of 5 stars Not an enjoyable read., 4 Dec. 2014
By mike millbank
Rubbish.Should have spent the time polishing the soles of my shoes.

***side note. Masturbation euphemisms are welcomed

1.0 out of 5 stars got bored of the f###### swearing, 7 Dec. 2014
By astrofox
after reading 14% found the ineffective and repetitive use of the f word just too annoying. if the author would write a version with less swearing then i would give it another go

**** side note. the word 'fuck' is actually the most effective word in the English language being a noun, adjective, adverb, and verb (transitive and intransitive, active and passive). But yeah, i throw that fucker around liberally.

1.0 out of 5 stars Unfortunate Read, 29 Nov. 2014
By shazshou - See all my reviews
I wish this book was more realistic who talks to their nipples....

*** side note. Time Travel is not real. It more than likely never will be.

So there we go. There were more. Human sentiment is a mirror. In general, its nobody's fault how they feel. Most of us are lured about by our simple expectations. We read a blurb and it sounds like something we read before, and familiarity is congealing, so we buy it, and in the end, if it met our expectations, we are content, and content is enough. My 2 year old boy throws staplers and scissors at me when he turns on the tv randomly and expects Buzz Lighyear of Star Command, and instead gets Princess Sofia.

This has all been a bit of fun. Don't take shit too seriously. Say the word 'fuck' more often. Mix your intellect in the kind of icky gunk most people would need a stick to scrape off their shoe. Make your reader earn their enlightenment. They'll love you for it. You and I are not the good or bad opinions that other people have of us or what we create.

Take Fucking Risk and Fucking Take Care,

Take Fucking Risk and Fucking Take Care,


Wednesday, November 04, 2015

Ineffable Photoshoot

INEFFABLE Photoshoot
Photographer: Mari Merlim
Araraquara, São Paulo, Brazil, 2015

Ineffable International Release Date: 24 December, 2015

Ineffable - Released 24 December, 2015

“Light, as it were, is but a current in the vast ocean of time.”
Under a black starless sky, a troupe of ragged freaks and performers makes its way into a town disparaged by death and disease, intent on curing the hearts and souls of its inhabitants with Light. Lead by the perverse and enigmatic Ringmaster, the troupe set about healing the sadness, suffering and infirmity of the town - saving the souls of one and all.
But when the ill-favored daughter of The Ringmaster awakes to a Heaven far from what she had imagined - a place where dimensions fold in and out of one another, and where its inhabitants are kept isolated inside Ward Number Five, a place of unspeakable cruelty, The Young Cripple will learn that fear is not something that she should overcome, but instead, a tool to help her discover that which is most important.
Ineffable bridges all beliefs as one. It is a rich and dynamic tale of theology, science, philosophy, spirituality, quantum theory, sex, string theory, yoga, infinite number sets, bearded whores, hermaphrodites, wormholes, 5th dimensional beings, paradoxes, circus freaks, and some good old fashion romance.
International Release Date: December 24, 2015
ebook (epub, mobi, azw3, deluxe pdf) - free
Paperback - via Amazon

Cover Painting:
"Le Fête" by Mario Duplantier (Gojira)

Take Risk and Take Care,


Tuesday, November 03, 2015

My name is blahh

Too many cats got the smart angle covered. So me, and good folk I know, we take our introverted intelligence and point it towards the grossly obscure and down right weird. This song dates back to '05. Ten years old. It was written at 03.17am in the back shed/studio of a dear friend's home. It's a fable or a tragedy of sorts, of the fragility of friendship. Maybe I was echoing some demons at that point. BUt it some fun electro, sexy, groove, grind.

My name is blahhhhh.....

Inky pinky promise i will be your bestest friend,
And we'll be silly billy buddies till the very end,
I tell you I like you, like you, like you, you're the best,
I will never hurt you like i did with all the rest,
I'm a fluffy bunny that is funny never sad,
Inky pinky promise me, you'll never make me mad.

My name is blahh.......

Sometimes I'm a silly billy like my silly dad,
Once i ate the bestest bestest friend i ever had,
This fucking fluffy bunny can be very very bad,
Doing naughty deeds makes bunny very very glad.

Naughty... Oooh, the bunny is so naughty......Yum, yum, yum

My name is blahhhh

I'm a fluffy bunny that is violent as is sweet,
All my friends are dead so fluffy bunny gets to eat.

Take Risk and Take care,

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